Sunday, 25 September 2016









Ater the meal, and with the dishes now cleared away and washed, the three sit around the table with some bowls of crisps and a large plastic bottle of Diet Coca-Cola. In deference to Brother Skunk’s still recent sobriety, his two friends have opted to forgo any alcohol tonight. Skunk, with less than a fortnight’s growth of short black hair
cog (rubbing his palm across the proffered scalp): It’s like a new lawn.
cog: Yeah, and burnt.
realising again this is the wrong thing said. Throughout the afternoon and evening and late into the night there are to be numberless occasions when his friends will find themselves biting their tongues, but aware also that Skunk seems not to notice.
is removing a coloured board and counters from a heat-sealed and pristine box, laying them out on the table alongside a tiny wooden die.
Skunk: Have you ever played Ludo before?
cog: That’s why I’m asking isn’t it?
cog: Hmm?
Skunk: Right.
cog (as if provoking a fight): “Are you askin’? Are you askin’?”
Skunk (laughing): Okay which, you can be ehm, which colour do you want to be?
cog: Yellow.
cog: Red.
Skunk: You want to be yellow, obviously. You’re red, okay, and I’ll be blue. Okay... You throw a six and if you get a six you come out.
cog: And you you just go on there with a six.
cog: What, you admit you’re a homosexual?
Skunk: No it doesn’t mean you’re a homosexual.
The ensuing laughter goes on and on, ending somewhere short of hysteria.
cog: He says you come out.
Skunk: You come out of the closet.
cog (laughing) : You come out.
cog: “This is me, and my friend Joe.”
Skunk: Absolutely queer.
cog: Or what.
cog: So you, you’re outed with a six.
Again they all fall back in their chairs, laughing as if it is something they have just found how to do, and having found it are reluctant to stop lest it become again lost.
Skunk: Right, right... and then you travel around, you know, you obviously travel around
cog: You throw the dice and
Skunk: and you try to get your guy back home.
cog: What do you mean, which way do you go, where’s the path?
Skunk (indicating the arrows on the board): You go this way, follow the arrow right. The only thing is, if somebody else
cog: Just, just to here and then you just disappear. Right around?
Skunk: You go right around, and then back up your own
The relentless hysteria feeds on them for minutes until all three are left crying with laughter.
cog (laughing): You disappear back up your own passage.
cog: Ooh, mine’s all red. My passage is all red.
Skunk (wiping his eyes): I cannot believe it.
cog: Lewdo!
cog: There’s spots on it as well.
A pause to begin again, but their joy at the wealth of innuendo is undiminished, and resurfaces time and again to become a near-constant parallel to the game as it progresses, the recurring punctuation of the night.
cog: Does anything in particular happen in the passage, or is it
cog: So, you go up here, to the g-spot is it?
Skunk: That is about two inches, isn’t it?
cog: Is this to scale?
cog: What about the giant Ludo?
cog: Anyway, come on, give us some more explanation.
Skunk: Okay.
cog: You do that with each
Skunk: You go right round. Yeah, with each piece. You have to get a six to get each piece out...
cog: If you roll a six do you
Skunk: You don’t have to take a piece out if you roll a six.
cog: You have a choice with a six.
Skunk: You can either take six places or you can bring one out, and if he lands on you, you have to go back here. The only thing is that you might...
pausing to fill his glass from the fat bottle.
Skunk: If you get two pieces of your own that land on one square like that, okay? Nobody can pass that.
cog: Do you put them on top of each other?
Laughter.
Skunk: Yeah, or you can put them side by
cog: It’s not a, it’s not a joke.
More laughter.
cog: One of those nights when nobody can say anything.
Skunk: Nobody can pass that, okay? But you have to move it at some stage if you can’t move anywhere else. And you have to finish exactly. It’s probably best just to start and see, ehm
cog: You mean, just make up the rules to suit yourself.
Skunk: Yeah. Okay, on you go.









cog: Shall I start?
Skunk: Yeah, there you go. A six! Straight out the gate.
cog: Can we get a smaller dice? A smaller die even.
Skunk: I’ve got a, I’ve got a bigger die. If you look on the mantelpiece beside the CDs, I think there’s some
cog (crossing into the front half of the room): Oh yeah, got it.
cog: So I keep going with the sixes yeah?
Skunk: Oh there’s another one.
cog: So I just make a block there.
Skunk: Don’t use that one, that’s your spare. In fact, let’s take these off the board.
He takes the four spare counters, plus the four from the green quadrant that are not being used and tips them back into the box.
cog: Okay, yeah.
cog: Why’d you have a spare?
Skunk: In case we lose one.
cog: So it’s good to get another one out, you reckon. That’s good tactics.
Skunk: Oh, I don’t know, it’s very early in the game.
cog (knocking his forehead with the heel of his palm): Oh fuck! Ludo tactics!
cog: Four. One two three four. That’s it, that’s the end of my go.
Skunk: You go.
cog (sarcastic, still reeling at the prospect of tactics in what appears to be a game dominated absolutely by the roll of the die): How do I throw this thing?
Skunk: You just sort of open your hand.
cog: Like this?
Skunk: Oops, you got nothing. Oh, and I got a six.
cog: Oof!
cog: The dice are loaded.
Skunk: One two three... Oh he’s rolling the craps.
cog: He’s rolling crap, you mean.
Skunk: Four.
cog: I don’t know whether to keep the eh
Skunk: Yeah, you’ve got a barrier there.
cog: Oop, you’ve got a barrier in your passage.
Skunk almost succeeds in forcing the mouthful of Coke down past the rising ejaculate laugh; spends some time wiping his chin and neck with the hem of his t-shirt.
Skunk: It’s not a very good idea to make a barrier there.
cog: Well I’m going to move one of them anyway next time unless I get a six, so
cog: Sphincter problems.
The die moves round between them, clockwise.
cog: No way, you’re not even on.
Skunk: Damn.
cog: You’re in the closet.
cog: I won’t admit it.
cog: So if I roll a six now, you go back to the start?
Skunk: I’m afraid I’m history if you roll a six.
cog (imitating sports presenter): “Ooh it was going to roll over to the six but then it didn’t.” One two three four five.
Skunk: Sorry I keep forgetting about you.
cog: I’m just a token.
Skunk: One two three four. Goodbye mister. Cheerio.
cog: I see I see, so it’s best for me to get around quickly before anyone else gets out.
cog: The way we play it, you always have to go back if you swear.
cog: Can I go up the green passage?
Laughter.
Skunk: Ehm. Oh no, I didn’t roll that properly or something.
cog: I’m doing really well here. I’m just a repressed homosexual.
cog: He’s out.
Skunk: Three four five six. One two three four. Damn.
cog: Can you overtake pieces?
Skunk: Yeah. Hang on I haven’t finished yet! What are you doing rolling anyway, it’s still my go. Six.
cog: And it’s not even you after him, it’s me.
Skunk: Yeah. Fag, two three.
cog: Oh I see, we’re going for the traditional time-scale then, are we?
cog: Three. Got no choice have I?
Skunk: None.
Finally, they are all in the game.
cog: Away you go!
cog: Hey! I must admit, I have slept with men.
Laughter.
cog: Oh, a flying start, one. One in your eye, as they say.
cog: One in the passage.
Skunk: Two three four.
cog: Ooh.
cog: Slow mover. Give me a five. A six actually.
Skunk: Five.
cog: Five it is, but I don’t want five.
Skunk: Three.
cog (wheezing): I should have brought my inhaler.
Skunk: Are you still using that?
cog: Now and again.
Skunk: I used to know a guy, I worked with a guy down south and he was on steroids for asthma.
Laughter.
Skunk: It’s true, three four five.
cog: Oof.
Skunk: Woof.
cog: You can get one out.
cog: Now, do you see, do I risk overtaking or is that not a good idea?
Skunk: That’s really not a very good idea.
cog: Because he’ll take me then?
Skunk: Because there’s nobody to take you, except for me.
cog: Yeah, but you won’t.
Skunk: D’you wanna bet?
cog: One two three four.
cog: God, so conservative. Live a little. Take risks.
Skunk: Risks? This game cost three-fifty. Four, one two three four. Oh woof!
cog: Over and out.
Skunk: Goodbye mister.









cog: That piece has moved in ones and twos the whole way round.
cog (sarcastic): Ha ha.
producing another round of genuine hilarity.
Skunk (mimicking): “Ha ha.”
cog (still sarcastic): Very funny, very drole.
Skunk: Uh-uh, five. One two three four five.
cog: You’re just about up your back passage.
cog: Three.
cog: He wouldn’t be the first.
Skunk: Oh thank you. One two three.
cog: You’re winning this game by a long way.
cog: Are you going up your passage now?
Skunk: Mm?
cog: Is that you up your passage?
cog: That, you can’t be taken now?
Skunk: No.
cog: I’ve been, that’s alright.
cog: That’s right, you’re safe once you’re in.
He laughs more at this himself than do the other two, who being further on seem a little more engrossed.
cog: It’s just the getting there that’s difficult.
Skunk: Uh-oh uh-oh. Whoops. Six! I’m out, and then you are gonna die I’m afraid. Six! One two three four five six. Damn!
cog: Do you have to get the exact number up to the top?
Skunk: Yeah, and you have to move if you can. One, uh-oh.
cog: You mean, when you’re in your passage you have to move it?
Skunk: No you don’t have to move in your passage, but
Laughter.
cog: You gotta keep it moving.
cog: It’s a serious quest-
cog: Yeah right.
cog: You just have to move if you can, a piece.
Skunk: You have to move a piece, you know, you can’t keep a barrier, and not move a piece if you
cog: Yeah yeah.
cog: Can you move back the way?
Laughter and the throwing of broken crisps at this madness.
Skunk: No!
cog: It was a serious question.
Skunk: You can’t keep moving up and down your own passage.
cog (shouting): HA HA! Not your own one, but somebody else’s. Six!
cog: Six.
cog: I must admit, I have slept with men, three
cog: “I, I have a friend who…
cog (completing it for him): “..a friend who, shall we say, experimented once.”
Skunk: One two three four.
cog: Get in your home.
Skunk: I put him in his hole.
cog: He’s in his hole.
cog: I’m going to get this red piece. Catch, catch him!
cog: Oh.
Skunk: Ah you’ve made your move.
cog (yelling, aware that the move is crucial): HE DIDN’T TAKE HIS FINGER OFF!
Skunk (yelling back): HE DID YES HE DID HE TOOK HIS FINGER OFF!
cog: I didn’t take my finger off my…
cog (wheezing): ..passage.
Skunk: You okay?
cog: Nope.
Skunk (passing over the bottle of Diet Coke): Have some more of this, it’ll take the ehm, the dryness off of
cog: Cheers.
Skunk (returning his attention to the board): I’m shafted aren’t I?
cog: You’re Bobby Shaftoe.
Laughter.
cog: “Silver buckles on his knee”, whatever that means. Ooh, kiss a sailor.
Skunk: I have to admit, I haven’t slept with any fellows.
cog: Ooh six!
cog: It’s a good job I’m out.
cog: Sorry I’ll take that again.
cog: It was a six actually, but there you go.
cog: Three.
cog (sharp intake of breath): You’re up my backside here.
cog: And you’re miles from your passage.
Skunk: So to speak. I hope I get a six because I really wan- oh come on!
cog: Three, oh.
cog: Right. Time to get away, aw.
Skunk: Speedy.
cog: I’ll get this one out of the way.
Skunk: Oh come on where are the
cog: Three ooh hummer, have to do it.
Skunk: Please give me a six. Can I can you pass us the Coke over please?
cog: Five! One two three four FIVE!
Skunk: Is he away?
cog: He’s away! Blasted away!
cog: Blasted.
cog: And I’m nearly up my passage.
cog: Fi-
cog: Ooh!
cog: One two three four five. I’m on your back now.
Skunk: Yo!
cog: Here it comes.
cog: Three, oh no, this would be just too bitter an irony, for me to be taken at the very approach to my own…
cog: Five.
cog: Four five, that’s you gone.
cog: Is it, oh.
Skunk: Damn, I was hoping to have you there as well.
cog: Yeah, six, whoah!
Skunk: Oh no!
cog: I’m afraid that’s you Bobby Shaftoe.
cog: I don’t mind getting out anyway.
cog: One. Enters the passage as well, excellent.
cog: Enter the passage of the dragon.
cog (back in sports commentator mode): “And that puts a whole new complexion on the face of the game.”
Skunk: Sorry, you can’t go now can you? What a shame.
cog: It’s a crying shame.
Skunk: Goodbye again! Six, oh, one two three four five six.
cog: Why didn’t you get a man out there?
cog: He wants to catch me instead I think.
Skunk: Yep. I certainly do. There you go. Cheerio.
Heavy sighs.
Skunk: Hey. Call me vindictive.
cog: You’re vindictive.
Skunk: No you can go there, you got a two.
cog: Oh sorry, I was thinking I had nothing on the board.
cog: No that’s me.
Skunk: Oh yeah. Well, you can wait for me coming round, before you out yourse-
cog: SIX!
cog: So to speak.
Skunk: Uh-oh.
cog: One two
cog: Yeeoh. Pole position.
cog: How long does Ludo generally last?
Skunk: I’ve no idea. It really just depends, you know, on how things figure.
cog: Cruising.
Skunk: Oh please Jesus give me a two.
cog: Give me a six or a five.
cog: A number two in your passage.
Skunk: Oh dear.
cog: Oh no no n- ho ho ho
his laughter beginning as something deadpan, cynical even, quickly crossing over into an unstoppable torrent of high-pitched giggling even when he is beyond the breath of its sustenance.
cog: Now that’s what I call a barrier.
The other’s face is a deep puce from exertion, as he audibly gulps at the air. Skunk for his part is glad his mouth this time is empty of Coke. Eventually they turn again to the board.
Skunk: Uh-oh. Six! Oh yes! Give me a two oh no.
cog: Oh no no no.
cog: My go my go, my go.
cog: Oh sorry I thought you’d forfeited yours.
cog: Why?
Skunk: Yeah for that rude comment.
cog: I never made any rude comment.
Skunk: Two three four.
cog: I’m gonna have ya!
Skunk: OH NO! OH NO! I don’t believe it.
cog: A bitter bitter irony.
Skunk: One of life’s sad… things. I’m going to have to have you in revenge. Damn.
cog: You have no choice.
Skunk: Three four.
cog: You overshot there. Yoohoo! Hush thy mouth. Do I get another go now for
cog: No you do not get another go now.
cog: having humiliated you?
cog: You’re nowhere. Three. That’s it.
Skunk: Oh. This isn’t exactly fair now, is it?
cog: How?
cog: You, you’re winning, in a way.
Skunk: I am not. Look.
cog: You are, you’ve got one in your
cog: STOP THAT!
Skunk: Six! Beautiful, two three four… Uh-oh, I’m smack on it for, who’s red?
cog: That’s me.
Skunk: I want a two… and I got it! Goodbye to you.
cog: In the meantime, while you pair are carrying on your petty feuds, I’m just about to get a second piece up my
Laughter.
cog:  spout.
cog: Right. I’m going for the threes then.
cog: It’s impossible.
Skunk: Two.
cog: Yooo.
Skunk: Uh-oh.
cog: uh-oh.
cog: Yeah, I’ll get one out since I’m quite safe there I think.
Skunk: I’m not.
cog: You’re such a chicken. Just go for it.
cog: One two three.
Skunk: He takes a second man up there.
cog: The original two-man canoe!
Laughter.
cog: Spreads easier than margarine.
cog (who hasn’t heard): I don’t know whether I want to know what that was actually. One two three four.
Skunk: I cannot believe you said that. I’ve got some chewing gum. Does anyone want any chewing gum?
cog: Chewing gum?
cog: I’m alright I won’t have any actually.
cog: I’m already full of gas.
cog: It’s me it’s me it’s me.
cog: I’m just passing you the dice.
cog: One two three four.
cog: Don’t get anxious, just because you’ve got two up there.
Skunk: Uh-oh.
cog: Right, red domination here.
cog: Now that’s quite nice because you can… Can you pass your own barrier?
Skunk: No.
cog: You must be able to.
Skunk: No. I mean, medically you can, yeah, but not in this game.
cog: Can you pass your own urine?
cog: No, I get somebody in to do that for me.
Skunk: I think you’re winning this game.
cog: I’m just, while you two are feuding amongst yourselves I’m just
cog: Just an illusion.









Skunk: I think you’re going to have to get round there and sort him out.
cog: Oh six and oh! Ho ho Lord!
Skunk: What are you doing? What are you playing at?
cog: Well, I’ll have this one out.
cog: I’m just trying to get on with the game.
cog: One two three.
cog: Ummm.
cog: I think those two have got to go this time.
Skunk: You’re not exactly keen on making a barrier, are you? You understand the barrier rule?
cog (pompous): “The Barrier Principle.”
cog: Have you been to a family planning clinic?
and then quickly
cog: Well, explain the barrier thing to him because he doesn’t know…
Skunk: Okay, well, the barrier is
cog: I understand the principle but… I just don’t agree with it.
Skunk: Okay well, if you get a two right?
cog: Is it against your religion?
cog: I’m against it.
Skunk: If you get a two, you can put two guys on one place, and nobody can
cog: I know.
Skunk: get past that.
cog: But if you land on it, you get one of the men, do you?
Skunk: No. You can’t land on a barrier. But the best thing to do is make a barrier when you’ve got two guys who’re about to go up the passage
followed by sniggers
Skunk: You make a barrier there, yeah well, never mind. Six.
cog: You can just picture them. Oh forget it.
cog: “Right, there’s two of us here, let’s make a barrier.”
Skunk: One two three four f- a bit risky.
cog: See? You’re a chicken. It’s all a matter of confidence. I just put all my men out in the field, you know.
cog (holding up middle finger): See this? Barrier that. I’ve got you pinned down.
cog: Stick that up your passage.
cog: And smoke it!
cog: Look, principles in action.
cog: The thing is, by making that barrier you’re then sacrificing that piece.
Skunk: Yeah.
cog: No.
Skunk: Yeah, you can’t go on.
cog: I can move that one later on.
cog: But you can’t move it past the barrier.
cog: But then I can move that one. I’m just blocking him.
Skunk: It’s just a useless, yeah, that’s true, you can move that one. Six!
cog: Tactics upon tactics.
cog: But you won’t be able to move it for much longer.
Skunk: One two damn.
cog: Oh six, we’re away. Two three four five six.
Skunk: Have you got all your guys out? Yeah, you do.
cog: Yeah, five.
cog: Tricky.
Skunk: Move that fellow.
cog: No you can’t, he’s barriered.
cog: Can’t I have a triple barrier?
Skunk: No, you can only have two, I think. I’ve thrown the rules away anyway, so I’m making this
cog: Are there no rules with the game?
Skunk: Yeah.
cog (laughing): They’re on the back of the board, hold on
making as if to tip up the board and displace everything upon it.
Skunk: They’re over there somewhere.
cog: Actually I shoved them up my passage earlier on.
Skunk (the empty bottle suspended over his glass): The Coke’s finished.
cog: Have you been?
cog: Yeah, I went earlier.
Skunk: I could do with going myself.
cog: One two three four five. A blue piece is going home.
Skunk: Oh DAMN! That’s me. I thought that was you for a second there.
cog: So I can’t get past this then?
cog: And again.
cog: My tactics are shot to pieces here.
cog: Reform that barrier, reform the barrier.
Skunk: Yeah, you can do.
cog: Good move.
cog: I can get that man… That’s against you.
Skunk: One two oh damn!
cog: Altruistic.
cog: There’s no pieces in there anyway, so
Skunk: Good.
cog: And I’m so far ahead that
cog: Six.
Skunk: Please.
cog: Six.
Skunk: Please.
cog: Six. Woof.
Skunk: Aww… That’s the one I like to see. Uh-oh, five is it? One two three f- four, it’s there. Where were you, there?
cog: I got four, it was there actually.
Skunk: Excellent.
cog: My go.
cog: It’s your go.
cog: Jesus.
Skunk: You’ve got no guys left in so he’s okay.
cog: This could go on forever, this.
Skunk: Mmm?
cog: Well that’s what I was wondering, yeah. Three. I’ll stick that in the… One two three.
Skunk: Yeah, put that one right up the top.
cog: Yep.
cog: Firmly lodged.
Skunk: Tightly wedged in there.
cog: No ointment will pull it asunder.
cog: It’s gone as far as it can go.
cog: Like the metaphor itself.
cog: Ain’t no deeper.
cog: Like this joke.
cog: Simile, actually.
cog: Three? Well, let’s see…
cog: Oh, say no more.
Skunk (laughing): What were you going to say, just out of interest?
cog: Nope.
Skunk: Would a wild horse pull it from you?
Brother Skunk’s roll leaves the die propped up on a fragment of potato crisp, and he moves to take his turn with the number most visible, which will result in the sending home of-
cog: WHOAH!
cog: YOU CAN’T ALLOW THAT!
Skunk: Yeah we can, yeah we can.
cog: Take it again.
cog: Take it again, take it again. If it’d landed on a three we might’ve
realising that a three would be him off the hook, and the other going home.
Skunk: HeyHEY! Three!
cog: Barrier it, barrier it.
cog: Reef.
Skunk: No.
cog: Why not?
Skunk: Because I want you my friend. In fact, if you stay there, don’t move those two and I’ll have him when he comes round. Keep him there and I’ll get him.
cog: Okay Dad.
Skunk: Thanks.
cog: No you won’t though because I’ll be out in the meantime and I’ll be catching ya.
Skunk: No you won’t.
cog: Two. No move.
cog: One. That was a one.
Skunk: That was not.
cog: Ye-
Skunk: DAMN! I could have had him there damn damn damn.
cog: He’s at my barrier now.
Skunk: Well don’t move it or he’ll have you.
cog: And again. Get Skunk off the board.
Skunk: No way. Don’t you dare.
cog: Oh, approaching the passage.
Skunk: I’ll be away from it soon. One two three four.
cog: If you get a one, you’ll take him, not me. Oh no no no, you’re blue.
cog: If you get a two, does that mean you can’t move?
cog: Oh no, one, I can’t, oh yes I can, I can stick that up there.
cog: You can’t do that.
cog: I can.
Skunk: He can stick it wherever he wants.
cog: No no it doesn’t… It goes up the passage.
cog (laughing): Oh right, yeah.
Skunk: Please!
cog (mock innocence): “I’m sort, I haven’t done this kind of thing before.”
Skunk: Two, one two. Goodbye.
cog (and again): “You mean, boys and boys can do it?”
cog: Look at this, wedged in there, wedged between
cog: Don’t tell me about your nightmares again.
cog: No move.









Skunk: Six, excellent. Six, great.
cog: Cheating…
Skunk: Two.
cog: Give me six-one, or six-three rather. Sh-. No move.
cog: Ha ha.
Skunk: Uh-oh. UH-OH. I see some bad times for myself and the yellow boy.
cog: One two three four.
cog: No, it’s in the passage. I mean, it’s in the barrier.
Skunk: You can’t pass your own barrier.
cog: Can I move bits, for each one? Can you split your, your
cog: No, I don’t think that’s allowed at all.
Skunk: No, I’m afraid you have to break that barrier now.
cog: YAAAY!
cog: One two three four five.
cog: Excellent.
Skunk: Five. Damn.
cog: Excellent. Four. One… two three four.
Skunk: Uh-oh.
cog: Four. One two three four
and recounting just to check.
cog: One two three four.
Skunk: Oh that was a very good move. That was a stunning move HEY! Put him back.
cog: Was it there? One two… yep. Daren’t take the finger off, that’s the trick when you’re round near the passage. One two three four. Hmmm… Not much better.
Skunk: Damn. No, it was four.
cog: Yeah it was the one behind that wasn’t it?
Skunk: Yeah it was the one behind it. Fantasise all you want.
cog: Just checking, just checking.
Skunk: Five. One two three four five.
cog: I don’t believe it.
Skunk: Sorry, but I’m such a
cog: Oh I might have known.
Skunk: You haven’t played this before have you?
cog: How, could I have taken somebody there?
cog: Nah, I think you should have moved there so you had a double chance of catching him next time.
Skunk: Or that one.
cog: Mm, yeah, you’re right enough. I just haven’t got that competitive bastard instinct.
Skunk: Six, great. One two three four
cog: Damn he’s got another one up there.
Skunk: Are ya jealous?
cog: I’ve got two up mine.
cog: Yeah he’s got two. Right up the top.
cog: Yay! We’re away.
Skunk: Uh-oh.
cog: Uh-oh.
Skunk: I’ve got to get the Hell away from you. One two three four five.
cog: I am hungry for revenge.
cog: I’m hungry for experience.
cog: Well you’re playing the right game. Hee hee hee. Woof.
and coughs.
cog: I’ve gotta catch that blue piece because…
Skunk: No way.
cog: ..otherwise we’re all losing.
Skunk: Damn.
cog: Where was I?
cog: If you, if you roll a six-three now, or a six-two rather
Skunk: Yeah.
cog: or a six-five…
cog: Damn, he’s getting away, that blue piece. Five. Go catch it.
Skunk: Who threw the five?
cog: Me.
Skunk: I’ve still got a guy at home, I mean, in there. Six, oh there goes another one of yours! Goodbye! Goodbye! Give me a two. Oh, three. Excellent.
cog: I need that piece. Yay!
Skunk: Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
cog: One two three four five six. Give me another six.
Skunk: Jesus no no please. I’ve come all this way.
cog: OH! One behind you.
Skunk: But I’ve come all this way.
cog (mimicking earlier): “I’ll let you get on with your petty feuding while I”
Skunk: Oh shut your yap.
cog: “race ahead here.”
Skunk: Five! Thank God, one two
cog: It won’t help you if I get a six. If I get a six…
Skunk: Ooh thankGodthankGodthankGod.
cog: You’re not away yet.
Skunk: I’m gonna pee my pants. You’ll get this guy probably though, but that doesn’t matter because he’s just started anyway.
cog: Aaaw.
Skunk: Six! Excellent! One two three four five
cog: I nearly had him. It was a brave try.
Skunk: Six. Hang on. Four. One two three four.
cog: I’ve got to get that blue piece now, otherwise I’m in trouble.
Skunk: No because that’s your last, oh no it’s your last yellow.
cog: No. I’m catching up with you. I’ll get this one home, but I need to catch you first.
Skunk: That’s it. Take him now.
cog: Partisan advice.
Skunk: I am the Devil’s advocate.
cog: Ooh yes.
cog: Oh dear. No six no six.
Skunk: Oh thank God.
cog: I have to get clear of
cog: Uh-oh.
Skunk: What am I? Blue?
cog: Blue.
cog: Barriers it.
Skunk: Oh no! As long as I get past this I don’t mind, two three four five I can’t go I can’t go.
cog: You can’t move. That’s okay.
Skunk: I get another go though.
cog: Oh okay.
cog: Why?
cog: Because it was a six.
Skunk: Because I can use the second go. Four. Oh no… The classic move.
cog: The classic move?
cog: You could yet take this game.
Skunk: You could indeed.
cog: I just thought I’d string you along for a while, place a barrier halfway round
cog: That’s right.
cog: and bring your men round.
cog: Because Skunk and I are pretty level.
Skunk: And then you bring your other guy round and you’ve got us over a barrel. Unless of course he comes out and has me before then.
cog (commentating): “ The laughing has stopped now, and the game, serious faces…”
Skunk: Four. I can’t go. I’ve got to go to the toilet.
leaving the table and heading upstairs.
cog: Right. Move his pieces.
cog: Five, no move.
cog: What was that?
cog: Take it again.
cog: Take it again. Play a let.
cog: Let. Net.
In his absence, they regard each other across the board.







cog: So…
cog: He seems okay, you know.
cog: He looks fucking terrible, and he smells like something’s been dead in him for months.
cog: Well it has in a way.
cog: I guess, but…
cog (shaking his head and then running his hand back through his hair): I could really use a drink. I keep hearing myself say stuff that’s… Fuck it, at one point earlier I called him Dad and then I thought
cog (shrugging): He probably didn’t even notice. I think I’ve done it myself but… What can you do? That’s part of the whole…
cog: I know I know. Anyway…
Some silence.
cog (wetting finger and dipping it into the crumbs at the bottom of the bowl): I’ve forgotten whose turn it is.
cog: It’s very good that you’ve got a barrier such a long way round the board.
cog (mock humility): Why thank you, it was nothing. Really, nothing.
cog: Is it his go?
cog: I think it is actually.
cog: Shall we take it for him?
cog: Shall we move this blue piece a few squares back?
cog: Yeah. There.
cog: Put these two back in his home anyway.
cog: Ha ha.
cog: That puts a new complexion on the face of the game.
cog: Nuke. A nuke complexion.
cog: He hasn’t said anything about where he’s going to go?
cog: No.
cog: I think it was a really bad idea coming back here, it seems.
cog: Because he was coming back to… to old territory.
cog: “You can’t go home again” to quote a crap book.
cog: Well, yes you’re probably right about that, but where else would, where else could he have gone?
cog: I think he should have stayed over there.
cog: Really?
cog: Why not? I think
cog: Here he is.
cog: It’s your go I think.
Skunk: Okay.
and then seeing the re-arranged board
Skunk: Hang on a minute here, hang on a minute.
Laughter.
Skunk: What is happening?
They set the game back as it was.
cog: Right, two, no move.
Skunk: Is it just him that’s blocking us up, choking us like some…
cog: Hah! My slaves.
Skunk: Six. Damn, I can’t go. Oh I get another go though. I can’t go anyway.
cog: Yeah exactly. You might as well not roll. Well you can get a one or a two.
Skunk: I can’t go no, oh yeah. A two.
cog: Three. Suckers!
cog: You have got to get out of there.
cog: I know.
cog: One.
cog: You’ve got to break your barrier.
Skunk: You’ve got to break your barrier mister.
cog: Yes.
Skunk: Hey! This means you are now ripe for the plundering of, so to speak.
cog: Two three four five.
cog: He certainly is pretty ripe for the plundering of. Look at that.
cog: Six.
Skunk: HA HA HAAAA! He took his finger off and he had a two and he could have had me! What a loss! AH! AH! AH!
cog: I’ve got to give you a chance.
cog (high-pitched with frustration): Don’t give him a chance he’s going to win.
Skunk: One two THREE! Oh dear oh dear. Goodbye mister.
cog: I told you. You’ll live to regret that.
Skunk: No such mercy from me.
cog: Luckily I didn’t get a six.
Skunk: Oh great! What a monkey. Give me a
counting the spaces out to his next victim
Skunk: one two three four, give me a four just for the damn! One two three four five six.
cog: Right, you’re dead boy.
Skunk: Hey it’s still my go.
cog: You are dead.
Skunk: Three.
cog: He is dead, get a five next time.
cog: I’m after you.
cog: Right we’re going to join against
cog: Six!
Skunk: Oh no! YEAH! Take him take him!
cog: Hey wait I’m on your side, I’m against him too.
Skunk: Oh get lost! There’s no alliances like that.
cog: Yes.
cog: Yeah, once someone’s winning you’ve got to, the losers have to sort
cog: He’s winning, right?
cog: Exactly, so we’ve got to get him.
cog: One.
cog: Oh don’t throw ones you great… “monkey”.
Skunk: Five!
cog: Awww…
Skunk: One two three four
cog: Right, so I need about four sixes in a row. And there’s the first.
cog: That’s one of the six.
cog: I’m going to stick that on the
Skunk: Every little counts, yeah.
cog: You only need another five now.
Skunk: Hey! You haven’t even got a man home, for all your barrier making.
Laughter.
Skunk: I know, but he’s not right up there is he?
cog: He doesn’t have to be right in. That’s the difference between definitely and indefinitely.
cog: That’s the difference between rape and aggravated assault.
Laughter.
cog: One two three, speak to me.
Skunk: Mmhm,
cog: Well in that case I better get round quickly. I can still do it, can’t I?
cog: Shit! You can’t win!









Skunk: This is one of those classical situations.
cog: I can win, because he could be waiting ages and ages for a two.
Skunk: Yeah.
cog: Shit!
cog: Admittedly it’s not very likely, but ehm
cog: One two three four.
cog: I want to get that red piece before he gets in.
cog: Now it’s a question of who’s going to be LAST!
cog: Two.
cog: Two, hah!
cog: And it’s going to be you.
Skunk: He’s going to be last, d’you think? You’re going to be last, you’re miles away. No no what are you doing? Get him! What are you doing TAKE HIM!
cog (as to a child, a finger upon his lips): Sh shh shhh.
pausing before
cog (quietly): Ludo.
Laughter.
cog: Can I just say that?
cog: Ludo. Do you know what ludo means in Latin?
Skunk: What does it mean? Oh
cog: Do you not know?
Skunk: I play.
cog: That’s right, yeah.
cog: Well isn’t that good. The name of the game for a lot of people who can’t even speak it.
Skunk: Five, what, take your go.
cog: Move your five, come on take it seriously.
cog: WHAT! Oh right. One two three four five.
Skunk: Fag.
cog: I’ve lost interest now that I can’t win.
cog: You CAN win!
Skunk: Of course you can win, look at you, you’re almost… Oh, you know, you can’t actually. I was just kidding.
Laughter.
Skunk: Hey! I didn’t even have my go there after him. I just don’t care anymore.
cog: You might very well care actually.
Skunk: NO NO NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? What are you doing, put that back. Put it back.
cog: “Put that back at once.”
Skunk: Right. Six. Move this fellow. Because if, if you throw again and you
cog: Your veins are standing out on your head.
Laughter.
cog: You know that Hindenburg collapsed after this kind of behaviour.
Skunk: What, playing Ludo?
cog: Jesus.
cog: “Phone an ambulance.”
Skunk: “No no not a six.”
cog: “Okay you be chancellor. You can be chancellor.” It’s only a game, mate. What did I get? Five?
Skunk: Yeah, move.
cog: SIX!
Skunk: Oh yeah, you got a six, that’s the whole point.
cog: You’re taking this too seriously.
Skunk: No way, I want to see him perish.
cog: Well I want to win. I could still win. It’s your go again is it? That’s right oh YEAH!
Skunk throws the winning two.
Skunk (jubilant): If you want to fight it out for second place, I mean it’s up to you, but
cog: I don’t think we’ll bother shall we?
cog: Nope, I, I mean, I was going to win anyway.
cog: Well no no
cog (laughing): No you’ve got to admit that
cog (laughing): Well no if that’s the attitude you’re going to take then we can carry on.
cog: Okay then, we’ll toss the dice. Toss the die.
cog: And see who gets the highest number.
He throws a two.
cog: Best of three.
Laughter.
cog: Nice little game actually.
cog: Go on then, beat four.
cog: Take that!
cog: Ah ha ha! The winner.
Skunk: The second winner. Oh, there’s the rules there
found printed on the box lid underside.
Skunk: What a coincidence that I found them after the game was won.
cog: Right, let’s see what we did right.
cog (pretending to read): “You cannot win if your name rhymes with punk.”
Skunk: Or if you’re a cheating monkey.
cog: “It is imperative that you have a near-fatal heart attack towards the end of the game.”
cog (actually reading from the rules): “The youngest player begins.” I think the game’s null and void because, I think I started, no maybe no, who started? No, I started, I am the youngest player. How old are you?
Skunk: He’s older than you are.
cog: Twenty-seven.
cog: Oh that’s okay, we played correctly then. I was going to declare the result null and void.
cog: MISTRIAL!
cog (still reading): “Barriers.” Ah look. You can make a triple barrier.
cog: NULL AND VOID! MISTRIAL!
Laughter.
cog: It says “If a player lands with an exact throw on a square occupied by one or more of his own pieces” hoo hoo
cog: This
cog: “they are placed on top of one another”
cog: This is a litany of disasters.
cog: “to form a barrier. No other playing piece can pass this barrier or send these pieces back to their start.”
Skunk: I got that bit right.
cog: “When players want to move off their own barriers, they can only move off one piece at a time. A barrier cannot move.”
cog (laughing): All three round, whoo, “Here we go round the board.”
Skunk: All up at once.
cog: That’s right. Four up the passage at one time.
Laughter.
cog: It’s not called a passage at all, it’s called a coloured column.
They could not laugh more intensely if they were drunk, or drugged.
cog (cheeks wet with tears): That’s even worse.
cog: Four guys climbing the coloured column. “When a piece has been moved once around the outside of the track, it then enters”
struggling to get the words out through his laughter
cog: “and travels up its own coloured column to the centre of the board.”
When it eventually subsides
cog: Well, we can’t allow this result to stand, because you’re allowed to have triple barriers.
Skunk: Well I’m sorry. I didn’t realise. I am ignorant.
cog: Start again.
Skunk: Oh shut up!
Laughter.
cog: Four o’clock the next morning…
Dissolve.








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