three fifty seven

It must be all of six a.m., and crowding into ache¹ and Brother Skunk’s bedroom are antler, her three cousins, and their mother (ache¹’s older sister, over on holiday with the children), and there is laughter and no little excitement, this being antler’s sixth birthday.

Skunk (just waking): Oh Jesus.

Sister: What’s wrong with you Skunk, you weren’t even drinking last night.

Skunk: Aah! antler your hands are cold, hmf... not funny, this is definitely not funny. Hoo hoo. Get lost.

Laughter.

antler: S’okay I’ll open it for you.

Skunk: Go away or I’ll call the police.

ache¹: We are the police!

Skunk: Ho ho.

ache¹: Come on, antler wants to open her presents. Wake up.

Skunk: Go ahead.

ache¹: Are you not wanting to see her? Right. Open your presents then.

antler: Right, wait.

Sister: Stand on your dad a bit more.

antler: Okay.

Skunk: Uh, do you mind not exposing me to the children?

ache¹: I’m not exposing you to the children. That’s something you have to do yourself Skunk.

antler: I’m going to open my cards.

ache¹: You’re going to open your cards? Oh how very dignified of you. I’d open the presents first myself.

Skunk: And check for food.

ache¹: Checkin’ for money.

antler: Heee.

ache¹: It says “To antler, lots of love from”, it says “love from Angus, Lucy and Harriet”, it’s got three kisses and some cuddles. “Sending this greeting especially to say”

Skunk: Getlost.

ache¹ (digging him sharply with her elbow): “may everything wonderful happen today.”

cog: That’s just like my dad.

ache¹: All dads are the same Lucy, didn’t you know that? Skunk WAKE UP! Here, you can make a hat with the paper.

Sounds of tearing.

cog: He’s moaning.

ache¹: Just ignore him. “Happy birthday to a very special little girl. To antler, happy birthday, lots of love Joan and William.”

antler: Goody!

and then frustrated by another envelope, passes it to her mother.

antler: Can you get that one for me?

ache¹: I think they must’ve used superglue.

antler: Can you just do the starter?

ache¹: Skunk get up! At least turn round, you stone-faced monster.

Skunk: I have turned round.

antler: Bucket please.

cog: Oh okay.

One of her cousins stuffs the discarded envelope inside the eiderdown beside the huddled Skunk.

Skunk: Huh huh.

antler: Bucket man.

ache¹: Whoah! This one’s got money in it. “antler, with love on your birthday from Ella.” We scored.

Skunk laughing.

Skunk: How many people are sitting on me?

ache¹: “Happy birthday babe, love Mum and Dad.” I drew that.

Skunk: I take mine back, can I?

Sister: Thanks. Oh this is a nice, this is a nice envelope.

antler: You can keep it.

Sister: Oh thanks. Can I just score your name out and

and then shoves the crumpled paper down Skunk’s back.

ache¹: “To antler. Have fun on your birthday. Best wishes from William and Estelle.”

Skunk: Cow.

Laughter.

Sister: Sit on his head. You’d probably break it actually.

ache¹ bursts out laughing. She and her sister high-five across Skunk’s inert body.

Sister: Hollow.

ache¹: Join the party. Oh you’re such a party-pooper.

Skunk: This is my contribution, to sleep. Woo woo.

antler struggles with yet another card.

ache¹: That’s it antler, rip it open.

antler: Bucket man.

More waste.

ache¹: “Six today, happy birthday” it’s got lots of dinosaurs on the front. “Be happy, be cheerful, be carefree, have fun”

Skunk: Go to sleep

earns him another sharp dig in the shoulder from his wife.

ache¹: “Hoping this birthday is a very happy one. Many happy returns of the day antler, love Harold and Ellen.”

Sister: If you’ve got three of those cards that’s six six six now, the devil child.

ache¹: Three sets of threes, we’ve got twins... Come on, wake up, she’s opening her presents.

antler pulls some brightly-coloured giftwrap from round a small square hardback.

antler: I did know what book was that.

ache¹: You did not know what book it was

and then to her sister

ache¹: She knew it was a book, she just didn’t know which kind.

antler: I did. Bucket man.

Sister (to Skunk): You’ve got a great collection there.

ache¹: You like this book, don’t you? “Happy sixth birthday with love from Gary, Tina, Steph and Joe.” Yeah this one’s been really, I’ve been worried about what, it was the only present I didn’t know what was in it. Wow. “Magic towel. Put in water for short while, spreads to a beautiful towel.”

She and her sister crack up laughing.

Skunk rises.

antler: Don’t.

Skunk: Oh. Sorry to disturb you.

antler: I got pencils too.

cog: You paint that on the window and it peels off.

Sister: Oh look it’s that wrapping paper, like your t-shirt.

ache¹: There’s nothing in here.

antler: Daddy don’t. Here.

Skunk: Oh thanks. “I am 9”

antler: It’s upside down. You’ve got that upside down. Mummy, can you get that off?

ache¹: Did you read her her card?

Skunk: What?

ache¹: Did you read her her card?

Skunk: I read it, yeah.

ache¹: Did you read it to antler?

Skunk: “To little antler”

cog: Where did that come from?

ache¹: From... my cousins.

Skunk: Well, that’s nice.

antler: Bucket man.

Skunk starts throwing all the waste-paper he has accrued out onto the floor.

Sister: Don’t you like it?

Skunk: What does antler think of it?

ache¹: Do you like your jumper antler?

Sister: I like it. I’ll have it.

cog: Marry it then!

Sister: I might do actually, yeah, that’s the best offer I’ve had all day.

antler: Bucket man! Mummy! Nappies! I don’t wear nappies. Heh. How come I got nappies? And no dolls?

ache¹: You’ve got dolls in the bedroom.

antler: Oh.

The next present to be unwrapped is a tiny plastic lavatory with lifting lid. Inside are some coloured counters.

Skunk: Can anyone tell antler what that says?

ache¹: They’re called Widdly-tinks.

Skunk: Apart from grown-ups!

ache¹: You see, instead of getting the tiddly-winks into a little cup, you’ve got to get them into the toilet.

antler laughs, a little embarrassed laugh.

Sister: You’re impressed by that, aren’t you?

cog: You do the toilet.

Sister: Hey!

Skunk: Why not just use the real toilet?

Skunk: ..use the real toilet.

He pulls back his head from where he has been propped forward against the wall, leans back in the chair and eases his right hand’s grip on his left forearm. The palm comes away with pain, breaking the blood congealed between these flesh, and a smear moves out wide and thick and red amongst the hard cracks. His body heaves; he vomits breakfast and alcohol out into his lap, retches and coughs and starts to sob.

Again.