There’s
enough of overspill from the city’s light pollution to afford her trees out
beyond the stationary windscreen, but the railway bridge that would define for
her the exact location arches in total darkness.
ache1
before she became ache1: Wait... wait... Wait wait... Wait I was...
fumbling
overhead for the interior light, until the sudden accumulated and excessive
weight of her hand becomes unsupportable, and it falls back to bounce from her
lap.
ache1
before she became ache1: I was just thinking about my.. uhhh
yawns,
ache1
before she became ache1: ohm my sister. I must have been oh, when I
was... maybe when I was I must have been about um... I must have been
ten or eleven,
her
limbs in movement,
ache1
before she became ache1: and we, we went, we went on, we were on
holiday in the UK, and we went to Scotland ‘cause that’s where Dad’s from, Dad’s
from Scotland and we travelled around a little there and met some, some of his
friends and, and his family and ah, and we also went to London because everybody,
you have to go to London and ahm, we were walking through this place
called, you know Soho? You know Soho?
She
is no longer wearing the red plaid shirt.
ache1
before she became ache1: uh, which is, you know, but... it wasn’t
just that, there were all shops and and things and my sister, I can’t
remember why, if she, if she had just, if she hadn’t, maybe she aaaaaaah, maybe
she hadn’t worn a...
She
concedes how expedient the clasp which allows this brassiere to open in
front.
ache1
before she became ache1: maybe she was just wearing a t-shirt or
something that day but she needed, either she needed or she just wanted
to buy a sweatshirt I forget I forget I forget but... she...
distracted
by noise
ache1
before she became ache1 (yawning): in in one of the the the ahm, a
kind of store she ah, she bought a sweatshirt and I think it was a kind
of greeny colour, if I remember it was a sort of a greeny colour, and it had
the Playboy bunny logo, kind of small, on it, on one, on one, on on one side
and ah... I...
She
is no longer wearing the undergarments that do not match.
ache1
before she became ache1: I remember this, but nobody, not my mum and
my dad, nobody said, nobody said to her “look, this is maybe inappropriate for
you to be wearing as a teenager”, as a as a, you know, she must have been only,
she’s two years older than me... so...
yawns.
ache1
before she became ache1: She wasn’t of an age when she should be
wearing a sweatshirt with the Playboy bunny on it, but Mum and Dad didn’t say
anything and I, I, I didn’t know if they knew, but I certainly
knew,
She
knows her pubic hair to lie flattened from the tight fabric of her briefs,
grass trampled likewise flat beneath the family tent’s groundsheet, holidays,
memories.
ache1
before she became ache1: I knew what it was, you know, I
knew what the logo was ah, but there was no way I could say ‘cause I figured if
Mum and Dad didn’t, didn’t say anything, if they didn’t say anything then maybe
they didn’t know, and if I said, well that would mean I knew what it was,
and they would want to know how come I knew what it was when they didn’t know
what it was. But surely they, I mean, they must, they must have known,
even, they must have known what it was. How could they not know what it
was? How. Could. They. Not. Know. What. It. Was? But I didn’t say
anything and I didn’t, I wasn’t
breathing
beneath weight, the weight’s incipient rhythm
ache1
before she became ache1: I didn’t relish my ahm, I I it wasn’t that
I enjoyed the thought of my sister I I I remember, I don’t remember feeling
embarrassed for her, I just, it didn’t really concern me but I ah
yawns
ache1
before she became ache1: uh,
somebody must have said to her, somebody must have said to her about it
because... she bought, the first thing I knew about it was that she had seeewn,
sewed, sewn? She had sewed a patch of a panda, it was this kind of s-, patch of
a panda, and she had sewn, sewed that over the Playboy bunny, so she could
still wear the sweatshirt, and I remember it was a white patch with the picture
on it, and... I don’t know if it was green or if it was purple... but I... for
some reason I thought it was green but now when I think about it, I think that
the patch turned a sort of purple colour after, when she washed it, and the
dye, and the dye ran but ah
yawns
ache1
before she became ache1: I don’t remember, I don’t remember, but
that may, that was, that was...
She
cannot place whatever’s coming loose inside the all-surrounding tension of her
skeleton and skin, the joy and resist both of what she has of hips drop away
abrupt, the now passive ebb and flow of biology, of seed and virginity forfeit.
She
wakes up inside the motion of the car, one hand still clamped round the emptied
buckled husk of Coors while the other pats down the carpet around and between
her feet for E.T., in the absence of whom... in the absence of whom
deleted
name: You okay? Have you lost something?
ache1
before she became ache1: I don’t remember... I, maybe
and
really looks at him.
ache1
before she became ache1: What’s your name?
deleted
name: deleted. deleted name.
